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Mel Robbins: Think Positive Everyday

So let's talk about the five second rule so the five second rule it's gonna sound

first of all brace yourself so fucking stupid when you first hear it

and um it's just like the five second rule with

food you drop food on the ground you got five seconds to pick it up before the

floor contaminates it well the same is true

about your ideas and your inspiration if you don't take action on an idea within

five seconds your brain contaminates it with

self-doubt or being too tired or i don't feel like it or

you know i'm not worthy or i don't deserve to whatever bullshit you put in

your way it comes in within five seconds and so

the way that you use the five-second rule is just as jenny was describing

you have this idea okay i gotta get my ass to the gym and then you feel

the self-doubt you feel the i'm too tired dude i don't want to come in

start counting backwards five four three two one it sounds ludicrous

but by the time you get to one you'll be doing it and i invented this thing jenny

10 years ago when my uh husband and i hit rock bottom

my husband had gone into the restaurant business in boston

and uh it the recession hit i was unemployed and i found myself at a time

in my life i never thought that i would check all the boxes you got the three

kids you're in the nice neighborhood with the great public school

you marry somebody who's great you put some money away in savings and next

thing you know we're free falling and we're about to lose the house i'm

drinking too much i can barely get out of bed i want to kill my husband

i'm isolating the anxiety is through the roof and i couldn't get out of bed

and so i invented the five second rule 54321 and this is the crazy idea

okay maybe if i launch my ass out of bed maybe if i move so fast the anxiety

won't creep in and this bed won't swallow me whole that

was the genesis of this and so i used it to get out of bed ten

years ago then i started using it to pick up the phone and find a job

five four three two one don't snap at my husband five four three two one

curb the drinking 54321 get my ass out the door and go exercise and slowly but

surely my whole life changed i shared this in a tedx talk about seven

years ago that's now got 20 million views

and this idea of the power of a five second decision in the five second rule

spread around the world i wrote a book about it i became the most booked female

motivational speaker in the world i built a massive online

following and next thing you know sony's knocking on the door saying we'd

like to turn this into a daytime talk show

and now here we are it's genius i was so excited when i saw that because there's

only so many videos i could find sometimes you know

when i find somebody and i'm like when i saw you on this shit i'm like oh my god

and i watched the episode and i was like this is exactly what we

need on tv and promise you guys you're going to love it like

i don't want to hear another freaking celebrity talk about their dog

like help me yes well the average person's really hurting

i mean when you look at the rise in anxiety when you look at the rise of

anxiety in kids when you consider the fact that the average

family in america is a blended family and the research shows that it takes

about six years for blended families to figure out

all of the emotions that come right with it

uh when you think about the instability that people feel

and the fact that we're moving into an election cycle that's going to be

extremely chaotic and i think upsetting for

for people regardless of of where you are in the political spectrum

this is a show that is a daily destination where you can feel

like i see myself at least once i've laughed or i've cried

and i feel a little bit better by the time the show ends because we're leaving

you in action not just thinking that's right it's so

true because thinking allows those anxiety

thoughts and justifications and and like i talked about that fear why are we

why are we so fear-based what what are we so scared of and sometimes it's the

dumbest thing for instance i had like a fear of

answering the phone like you had a fear of answering the phone i

just i don't fear of it anxiety why so so tell me what's going to hap so

the phone rings and what jumps in your hand what jumps

in your mind when the phone rings i should have them call my phone right

now so everyone can hear the voicemail message

because um it's it's i don't know it's do you think you're

gonna get in trouble it's either like it's either trouble like my business

manager or my agent wants me to work and i'm too tired

or um you know it's just or it's like uh i don't know small

talk and i hate small talk isn't that weird i do a talk show

i like words that going to you have an intention that

or a conversation that goes somewhere that causes something to happen

does that make any sense it doesn't it does so here's

do you want do you want me to just talk do you want me to just listen to this or

would you like me to tell you two things you can do

please tell me because the piece of this that

is worth looking at is the fact that you can't control how often your phone

rings but you can control your emotional reaction and if you're

living with a lot of stress and anxiety simply because there's an inbound phone

call and it's triggering something for you

it's worth looking at so the first thing that you could do is you could either

turn your phone off so that you don't have any inbound calls

so now we're managing that or you could use what i call an anchor

thought so describe for me uh one of the best

phone calls you ever got um you're going oprah just

booked you to be on her show for your new book fantastic

so that is what i call an anchor thought it's a thought that's very specific that

makes you excited because what a lot of people don't

realize is a thought that is anxious or nervous

is in your body is the exact same physical feeling as a thought that makes

you excited if you're nervous your heart races your

stomach turns your armpits might sweat your throat

might get a little tight you might get that

kind of neck rash thing that some of us do your hands might get clammy when you

get nervous right oh shit i'm gonna have to work i don't want to talk to that

person oh my god it's oprah heart fluttering

same thing hands are clammy and so what you can do in order to

change your response to the phone ringing is when it rings before you even

see it you can be like oh i'm so excited because it might be a call as exciting

as oprah and then you've just tricked your body

the phone call may suck we can't control that but what you've

actually done is you've tricked your body and now you're not living with that

anxiety response to a simple phone call i just went one level deeper too and the

ptsd i have from phone calls about my son being sick

there you go that's what it is that's what it is so

it is exactly that you're dealing and and that's another thing that the

five-second rule is really helpful with because

when you can see what the underlying trigger is

and for you that's all that it is it doesn't have anything to do with work

it that you've associated the ring of a phone

with a really bad memory so now think about

um a call so to make it even better think about a call related

to your child and one that's really exciting

maybe it's something cool that's going on at school maybe it's

it's the phone call that that things are great and we got a great bill of health

so you should use that to reprogram it since it goes deeper

you know it reminds me of something that i hear a lot in my work and that is that

if you grew up in a household where one of your parents was an

alcoholic i find a lot of people come to me and

they've got troubles in their relationships and what we

discover is that at five o'clock that's when a lot of people's ptsd kicks

in because the lights change and that's

when mom or dad was coming home that's so true and you don't even

remember it and so when your spouse walks in the door you're on edge

and you're micromanaging them and you don't know why

and the reason why you're doing it is because your nervous system remembers

what it was like to brace for one of your parents to come home

and so even though even even though you might not drink or you know that may be

long in the past if your spouse even opens a beer

that little click sound triggers your nervous system to remember and it puts

you into a mode of being on edge and so we get couples

that fight with us you know like are nitpicking she's

nitpicking she's nitpicking i don't even know what the hell's going on i turn to

the wife or the husband i say by chance did any of your parents drink

or did you grow up in a house where you witnessed abuse and they're like yes i'm

like this is the problem that is absolutely fascinating

i've never heard that before i've heard of sun downing before

but i've never heard of that and that makes so much sense

yes and so this is the promise of all of the work that i do and of the mel

robbins show that you're not broken you have a pattern that's broken and the

pattern that you have for a lot of people

is that you're still doing stuff from your childhood and you don't even

realize it and it's no longer working in your adult

life but because you're not connecting the dots between the fact

that it's five o'clock or between the sound of a

bottle of wine coming out of the paper bag with the trauma you witnessed in

your childhood you're not able to change these patterns

these patterns are now running your life and so i help you identify them

and then we figure out what can you do to interrupt them and change them

so now by just becoming aware of them and identifying them

that's a step towards is that all you need to do

it's like 90 of it because what you can't see you can't change what you're

not talking about you're not going to change

and so even like we did this show about failure to launch so there's so many

people that are worried because their kids go off to college they boomerang

back they can't they're like what are we gonna do in researching

the show jenny it's largely a problem with boys

and what happens is we moms in particular

start to smother them right because we're like here go talk to this person

work on your resume what did you do up in your room and then what happens for

boys is they feel demoralized and they

isolate and so the thing that we're doing to try to help is the exact

opposite of what's needed and so we had this show and i started

talking about it as a pattern called being the smother hen

and when you give labels to things you can then go oh my god that is

exactly what i'm doing and that's right and now i can call my

friend and be like sally stop smothering mike you're being a

smother hand mel robin says it's going to backfire he's going to hide in his

room and so this is kind of what the show's

about it's not like making people wrong it's using the common experiences

and then showing you why this doesn't work and then giving you a

simple tweak that helps you interrupt the pattern

see not only are you teaching us but you're also allowing us the tools to

actually help fix ourselves mel this is the show we all need i wish i had more

time i want to come on your show praise you i think sony did a genius job

by hiring you this is what we need the mel robbins show you guys check your

local listings she could be bigger than oprah mel

robbins thank you so much come back anytime okay

thank you